


Of Riddles and Rhymes

by Aeryn-Inara (Strixgirl)



Series: Gotham One Shot Collection [3]
Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Drabble, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-16 11:55:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17549222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strixgirl/pseuds/Aeryn-Inara
Summary: Oswald is stuck between a Riddler and A Hatter, hilarity ensues. Basically Harvey is a dick, Oswald needs a drink, the Riddler is dramatic and Jervis is insane.





	Of Riddles and Rhymes

Oswald glared at the clock in irritation. _**Tick. Tick. Tick.**_ The sound grated and each tick felt like a personal insult to his frayed nerves.

“Why is a raven like a writing desk?” Ed taunted.

Jervis screeched “That is my line! My line!” as he stomped his feet.

_Hours! It has been hours and they still haven’t stopped with the goddamn lunacy._

Ed laughed and continued “So you’re not even going to try to answer me?” smirking he needled the now sulking Jervis “Well, you can’t win if you don’t play.”

Jervis glared and muttered “You are not the Hatter. You do not even matter! You’re just a naysayer and betrayer who I will punish later”

“Come on, you’re not still going on about that!” Ed rolled his eyes. After a few moments of he silence snapped “Fine!” and sat in his corner… pouting.

_**Tick. Tick. Tick.** Heavenly silence… but for how long. _

Jervis smirked from his corner of the cell and began to sing “Twinkle twinkle little rat, I want to hit you with a bat. Throw you off a cliff so high, I hope you break your neck and die.”

_Not long enough._

“Can you hear that, Hatter? It’s the sound of me clapping at your remarkable wit.” Ed paused then sniped “Oh… You can’t? That’s because your an idiot.” from his spot on the cell floor.

Jervis’s eyes narrowed as he crooned “Tick tock, tick tock. Your head will be rolling. No one will be consoling. Nothing will save you now.“ A malicious smile gracing his face.

Ed smiled through clenched teeth “This is another one up your alley Tetch. What kind of tea is hard to swallow?” Jervis just rolled his eyes, refusing to answer. Ed, never one to leave a riddle unanswered, snapped “Reality, You insane cretin. I didn’t betray us! Get it through your thick skull”

Jervis began stamping his feet again “No! No, no, no!” waving an accusatory finger at Ed “You ruined everything! My lovely party is all in tatters. The table overturned and the guests are all gone! Pain and punishment await. I will show no restraint"

Ed sneered “Are you really this stupid, Hatter?” waving him off he continued “Don’t answer that. The childlike gibberish you are bound to spout will just be embarrassing. Let me explain it one last time, slowly, so maybe your deficit brain cells can grasp it. I. Am. Not. A. Police. Informant” with a dramatic wave he said “First of all why would I allow myself to get caught? The GCPD are so beneath me in regards to intellect I don’t think –”

Jervis cut him off with a smirk “Then you shouldn’t talk.”

Ed jumped from his spot on the floor and stalked over to the grinning man “Riddle me this, what is black and blue and bleeds profusely?” with quick swipe Ed knocked the hat off Jervis head “You! When I’m done with you.”

Jervis screeched “The insolence, the arrogance the execrable table manners!”as he scrambled, in a panic, to put his hat back on.

Oswald blinked… and suddenly the two men were wrestling on the floor. _This is the last time! The absolute last time I work with these lunatics!_ Oswald took several deep breaths. How he wished he had strong drink…. and that they would be sending him to Blackgate instead of Arkham. _I cannot last a stint with these two as company. I would rather wallow in the squalor of Blackgate than attend group therapy with them._

Oswald rolled his eyes when he looked over to see Ed crowing in glee “What eats crow, yells uncle, and tosses sponges?” as he bounced around like an over excited child pointing at Jervis, who was pinching his bleeding nose “A loser. That’s who!”Quick as a whip Jervis shot his leg out, tripping Ed.

Ed fell face first in a tangle of limbs and to the sound of the Hatter’s cackling laughter “Careful now”

_Why can’t crime, and criminals, be normal anymore? Don Falcone and Fish wouldn’t lower themselves to this insanity._

Wiping blood from his bleeding mouth Ed launched himself at giggling mad man “That’s cheating!”. After several minutes of rolling on the floor Ed manages to get the upper hand, restraining Jervis’s wrists and straddling his lap. With a huff he mutters “Though, I’m hardly surprised. You don’t have the intellect to beat me in a fair fight” Oswald can’t help but snort at the comment.

Ed twisted to glare at Oswald and Jervis uses the distraction to buck Ed off him. Both men scramble to their feet and watched the other suspiciously, waiting to see who would make the first move.

_**Tick. Tick. Tick** _

Ed straighten his suit and affected an air of nonchalance “This is juvenile.” Oswald let out a bark of laughter “And your not?” Ed’s eyes narrowed in anger but kept his mouth shut and headed back to his spot on the other side of the cell and began to clean imaginary lint from his crumpled suit.

_Great now he’s sulking._

Jervis took his seat, but still angry at Ed for his perceived betrayal muttered “Viper in the grass. Crass and brass. Won’t be long before I show you up and reveal your lack of class.”

Ed sneered and threatened “The man who made me doesn’t need me. The man who bought me doesn’t use me. The man who uses me doesn’t want me. Keep it up Tetch and I’m gonna put you in one”

_**Tick. Tick. Tick.**_ The silence lasted exactly 3 minutes and 23 seconds, the longest yet… Oswald timed it.

“Twinkle twinkle little snitch, I’m going to bury your body in a ditch. All cut up now that you’ve met your end, just like your old girlfriend” Jervis’s giggles were interrupted as he was tackled by a furious green bean pole.

Oswald watched the two throw punches at each other, though he was reticent to call the swings they were throwing at each other punches, more like slaps.

_Well… neither is known for their physical prowess._

Yawning he contemplated breaking up the fight, but decided against it. It would only break out again later.

The sound of clinking distracted him from the two idiots fighting and he turned to see Harvey Bullock standing behind him, smirking and tapping a flask against the bars of their cell. Oswald raised an eyebrow in question and Harvey offered a droll “Consider it reparations for leaving you in that balloon for 6 hours.” Oswald scowled at the reminder but he was hardly one to refuse free liquor, especially with insanity he had been subject too for the last several hours. He quickly snatched the flask and downed half the contents in one mouthful.

Harvey chuckled at Oswald “Don’t worry Penguin. Not too much longer and Blackgate’s prison van will be here to collect you” Oswald couldn’t stop the relieved expression appearing on his face and Harvey just laughed harder “You know you could have just confessed and I would have thrown you in an interview room… alone.” and with a smug expression he stated “Offers still on the table”

_No way in hell_

Handing back the flask Oswald offered an affable smile that screamed sarcasm “Confess to what Detective Bullock? I am an upstanding citizen of Gotham and this” gesturing to the bars and police “is all simply a misunderstanding which my lawyers will sought out in no time”

Harvey grinned “You know… I could accidentally lose your paperwork. It would add at least an extra two hours to your time here with us at the station”

Oswald gripped the bars as he snarled at Bullock “That’s cruel and unusual punishment” Harvey laughed “That’s bureaucracy.” with a smirk he offered “Sure you don’t want to reconsider?”

Oswald gritted his teeth and spat “No!” 

_Goddamn bastard!_

Harvey rolled his eyes then raised his flask in salute, a cheeky smile on his face “Have a fun evening” as he headed back to his desk laughing.

_**Tick. Tick. Tick.** _

**Author's Note:**

> Just wanted to thank KendraNullings for awesome gotham meme collection which, other than relieving my boredom at work, inspired this fic :) Credit to for the idea goes to original poster, who I think is suzuyajuuzous-jason.
> 
> Also there's an Arkhams games reference in here if your interested.


End file.
